Damaged Hearts
by Equivamp
Summary: During NM, Edward's been gone for 4 mo, Jasper decides to return to repair the damage he caused and finds that after Edward left Bella, she was raped. As he tries to heal her, they find themselves becoming more than friends.
1. The Decision

Edward looked so empty the last time I saw him. He was so anguished. So angry. So tired. So heartbroken.

I did that.

My adoptive parents lost their daughter. My beautiful wife lost her best friend. My brother who had been alone for too long lost the love of his life. It was all because of me. Because I couldn't control my bloodlust. In a matter of mere seconds I managed to fuck up everything.

I decided to fix it. I didn't know how. I just had to.

I had thought about doing this for over a week, but it was time. If I didn't act soon, I would never have the strength to do it. I would lose my nerve like the weakling I was. Today. It had to be today.

"I know what you've decided," Alice said softly behind me.

I turned slowly to face her, registering the sadness she was now feeling. Of course she'd know. I was planning to tell her myself, but I guess this saves me the awkward conversation.

"Alice, I'm sorry, but I can't keep true to the promise we made Edward. I have to make things right with her, for them if I can, this is all my fault-" She covered my mouth with her hand to stop me from babbling.

"It wasn't your fault, Jazz, no one blamed you but you. I know you don't believe that, and I know you have to do this. I know you will never rest easy until you try to fix what you think you've done." Her sadness deepened and it confused me.

"I won't be gone long if I don't have to be, a few days, a few weeks… You don't have to be sad Alice, I'm coming back." I tried to reassure her.

Her lips curved up into a smile but her eyes looked like they would tear up if that were possible.

"No, Jasper, I think it will be much longer than that."

It felt like she kicked me in the stomach. "You don't want me to come back?"

Her eyes widened in shock. "Of course, I want you to come back Jasper, I love you."

"Then what?"

"You won't want to come back," she whispered.

"Why wouldn't I want to come back?"

She didn't answer for a second and when she answered it was with resolve. "I love you Jasper. There's nothing I want more than for you to be happy."

She was confusing me and avoiding my question.

"Alice, you make me happy!" I felt desperation and realized it was my own. Why did it feel like my wife was breaking up with me? What the hell gave her the idea that I wasn't happy with her?

"If I make you happy, then come back." I felt her hope rise within her and then vanish.

"I will Alice, I will be back before you have time to miss me! I love you, Alice."

She grinned now, and this one was more genuine. "I love you too Jasper." And I could feel that. Her love.

She reached up and wrapped her arms around my neck. I knew what she was after. I bent down and pressed my lips to hers. Suddenly her grip tightened and her lips became more urgent on mine. It scared me, Alice's panic. I pulled away to look at her warily.

"I love you Jasper," she repeated then reached up to caress my face. "Find the peace you're looking for."

Now I was scared. This is the second time she's told me goodbye with out saying it. Why was she telling me goodbye?

"Go, Jasper. The sooner you do what you need to the sooner we'll be together again."

"Soon, Alice. I love you!" I grabbed her and gave her another kiss before I spun away from her.

I ran through the Alaskan wilderness. I had to run. If I didn't run I might change my mind and stay. I couldn't do that, I had to do this. If I ran, I could get there faster. The faster I fixed this the faster I could come home to my Alice. I could hold her in my arms and tell her how silly she was for thinking I could find happiness anywhere other than where she was, tell her how much I loved her.

I was running back to the place where I ruined everything.

I was running back to the place where I almost made the biggest mistake of my life.

I was running back to Forks to pay Bella Swan a visit.


	2. Nightmares

**Bella's POV**

"Night dad," I murmured without really looking at him.

"Bella, wait, I want to talk to you."

"I'm tired."

Being tired was nothing new for me. I'd been tired since the day _he_ left, the day when my life crumbled into a sea of despair. I could talk if I was tired. I didn't want to, at least not now. I knew where this was going. It wasn't going anywhere good.

"Please, Bells?"

I sighed and turned to look at him. I didn't look closely, but enough to let him know I was listening. I saw him flinch and I knew why. I hadn't been able to meet his eyes since the day I was… I flinched and shoved away the painful memory before it could conclude.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"Bella, I've been talking to Renee…"

Yes, I know you have. "About?" I asked.

He inhaled deeply and his face puckered into "deep in thought" mode.

"Bella, you need to get better and I don't think you will be able to do that here. You refuse to get professional help and you won't talk to me… I don't know what to do. I think… I think you would be better in Florida… Just get away from the painful memories, maybe enjoy the sun…"

He was waiting for me to say something. This was supposed to be a two sided conversation. But what could I say?

"Florida will not make things better, dad," I told him. This time I inhaled deeply. "I'm not going dad. I know your worried, but, I just…" I just what? That was the real question, wasn't it? "Please, I don't want to leave."

Charlie sighed and ran a hand through his receding curls.

"Alright Bella, its up to you. I just…" He trailed off.

Awkward silence.

"Goodnight, dad," I told him effectively breaking the tense pause.

"Sweet dreams, Bella," He murmured behind me.

I trudged up the stairs to my room.

Sweet dreams. What a joke. My dreams were entirely devoid of sweetness.

After _he _left me, I began having this nightmare. It was horrifying to me, but to anyone else less mental it would just be strange. I'd be in the forest, searching for something, but I would never remember what I was trying to find. Eventually, I would realize there wasn't anything to find, and there never would be… That's when I would wake myself screaming.

About two months after _his_ departure, I found myself on the side of the highway. I was supposed to be on my way to school, so how I wound up parked at the trailhead I couldn't tell you. But I was there, so I got out of my truck and let my subconscious guide me. Time didn't have much meaning to me anymore, so in what felt like five minutes, but was probably several hours, I wound up at the meadow.

I don't know why I went there. Maybe closure? I didn't find it if that's what I was looking for. The hole in my chest throbbed more than ever and I fell to the ground to let the pain engulf me entirely. After a few minutes, I felt my hairs stand on end and I jerked myself up so I was sitting. I wasn't alone in the meadow.

So the dream changed.

Now I was in the meadow, not the woods. No matter how hard I searched I couldn't find whatever I was looking for. No matter how hard I tried to leave, there was always an invisible fence keeping me in that place where nightmare are made real. Finally I'd give up the search and let myself fall to the ground. Although I knew what was coming next I could never wake up before it happened, but the most beautiful creature would step out of the trees. For a split second there would be happiness and then…

Then the beautiful disheveled bronze hair would turn to a black crew cut and those warm golden eyes would darken to brown. The perfectly angled face would get broader, rougher, harder… The breathtakingly brilliant smile would fade into something else entirely… something horrifying and cruel.

I'd try to wake up but the dream was never ready to let me go…

The monster that stalked toward me, overpowered me, would be a human one. He would hurt me, laugh when I screamed, hurt me more to get more screams…then I'd wake up. Drenched in sweat and screaming.

Charlie used to come in to see if I was alright. Then I asked him not to. He made things worse. I knew he would never hurt me, but having a nightmare about being defiled buy a man and waking up to find another hovering over me…

Now I slept with my lights on and a baseball bat under my bed.

It would definitely be healthier to leave but I couldn't. Florida was warm, devoid of memories, and sunny… that's where the problem lay. The sun. I could never live somewhere _he_ couldn't, I needed to know I hadn't dreamt about the best few months of my life, not when I was drowning in so much pain. He had existed here, in this boring rainy drab little town. He could never live comfortably under the bright Florida sun and as sick as it probably was I needed to know he lived. If he did so could I. I was becoming the masochist he thought he was.

I lay down under my quilt and waited for sleep to take me.

I waited for the nightmares to start.


	3. The First Glimpse

**Jasper's POV**

I stopped at our house to shower before tracking down Bella. I closed my eyes and let the hot water warm my skin while I tried to figure out what to do next. Now that I was here I wasn't sure I should be. Would Bella even want to see me?

I tried to kill her. If it weren't for Edward and Emmett I would have. She wasn't an idiot. She must know the only thing that stopped me from quenching my thirst with her blood had been my brothers. I was a monster. I always knew that and I'm sure, despite what Edward may or may not believe, Bella had no problem understanding the risks of hanging out with the world's ultimate predator… But experiencing and knowing are two different creatures. She would be terrified of me. She certainly wouldn't want to be alone in my presence. Nor should she want that.

Even if there was no fear, for Bella was a brave creature herself, she would hate me. I tried to kill her. I drove her and Edward apart with my weaknesses. My failure at control cost her not only her love, but her best friend. Her family for that matter. I knew her emotions. I knew she loved us all. She loved Edward most, but I knew… She considered us hers… And we left. No they left her. Because of me.

What am I doing? I shouldn't be here. This is stupid. I should leave.

What am I thinking? I can't leave. I came all this way to make things right. I have to do this. Right?

The internal debate raged until the water cooled. The cold water made no difference to me but it caught my attention.

I'd stay. I'd face her pain and anger. Her accusations. I'd make things right. I owed her that much. If she sent me away then at least I tried. I wouldn't scare her more by staying when she wanted me gone.

I wasn't sure when I'd speak to her, I was to cowardly to make a definitive decision. I wanted to see her first. Work up to it.

Today was a school day for her. I dropped by the parking lot, standing in the tree line with a perfect view of her truck, and waited for my first glimpse. It wouldn't be long. Only an hour until the bell rang. I could wait.

* * *

When Bella finally came out I couldn't help but gasp. She didn't look like the Bella I remembered. She looked like someone else entirely. I wouldn't have recognized her if her scent hadn't wafted toward me on the breeze mingled with the scents from her peers scrambling to their cars.

If Bella had been pale before it was nothing compared to now. Her skin was completely devoid of color, pale enough to match my own. Her eyes looked dead and their were dark shadows under her eyes like she hadn't seen the soft side of a pillow in months. She was thin, too thin. Nothing but skin and bone. Her shoulders were hunched over as if she were about to crumble onto the rain slicked pavement.

Fuck me.

Ship me overnight express to the fiery pits of hell.

Smite my evil ass with a well deserved lightning strike.

I reached out with my gift, trying to find her unique essence that was her emotions through the chaos of the emotions that were overflowing the lot. I could feel her and at the same time I couldn't. She _was_ there, but there was nothing to feel. Numbness. That's it.

"Hey, Bella! Wait a second!" Mike Newton called out jogging over to her.

She twisted around at the sound of fast approaching footsteps dropping her books in the process. I felt something then. Panic. She was panicking. As he drew closer she backed up, pinning herself against the truck. Her hand slipped into her pocket and I could tell she was clutching at something.

He stopped with an influx of shock at the wild look in her eyes. She sort of reminded me of an animal when it realizes there is no escape. He felt guilty. He backed up two steps.

"I didn't mean to surprise you," He mumbled looking down at his feet. "I skipped calculus today. I wondered if you could tell me the assignment for tomorrow." He looked back up a little hopefully.

Bella had receded back into numbness. "Read pages one hundred and twenty three to one hundred and forty five. Exercises A and D on page one hundred and thirty six. Problems one through fifty five starting on page one hundred and forty." Her voice was toneless as she recited the assignment.

I noticed she didn't look at him, not really. She stared at his feet the whole time. I glanced quickly at his feet half expecting to see Tweetybird shoelaces or something. Nope. She just didn't want to make eye contact. Maybe he was still pursuing her?

"Well…um, thanks." He mumbled again.

He walked away, feeling a little relieved and sympathetic. No. Way. There's no way I did so much damage that she would require sympathy from Newton of all people.

She climbed into the truck and started the engine.

* * *

I climbed into a tree that gave me a perfect view into her bedroom window. I had never seen the inside of her room before. Had it always been so… Barren?

I watched her sit at her desk and do her homework in silence. She left the room and I listened as she prepared dinner. Smelled like pork chops and rice. I watched Charlie come home from work, heard him take his coat off, kick off his boots, remove his gun belt, and compliment the smell of food. I listened as they ate in silence. Not that Charlie didn't try to talk. No matter what question he asked she always had a one word answer. I listened as she cleared the table and washed the dishes and he mumbled to himself about what was on the news.

My ears followed her up to the bathroom. I stopped listening to give her privacy. A half hour later she was in her room. I glanced at her towel clad body and quickly closed my eyes. Sure I was being a bit creepy hanging out in a tree cataloging her movements, but I wasn't so far gone that I would watch her change. I waited until I was sure I had heard her cover herself up before looking again.

She finished her homework and then lay on her bed. For an hour she lay there, staring up at the ceiling in utter numbness. Then she got up and went downstairs to say goodnight to her father. I glanced at my watch. It was only eight thirty. Who the hell goes to bed at eight thirty? I may not need sleep but even I know its early.

She crawled under her quilt and curled up into a ball. She left the lights on. Was that normal human behavior? Edward only ever mentioned sleep talking, which was why I was here tonight, I just assumed she did it in the dark. It was ten o'clock when her body finally stretched out of its cramped position and I knew she had drifted off. It took another hour for the talking to begin.

"Please, don't leave… please…" she pleaded in her sleep. Her words were tinged with desperation. It was heartbreaking to hear. I had to fix this.

She didn't speak again until her after her father had fallen asleep.

"Where… I can't… remember…" She began tossing and turning with panic.

I wanted to reach out to her, ease her panic, comfort her. Or more than that, I wanted Edward here to comfort her. That's his job, his love, his life. I leaned forward but stopped myself. I couldn't just enter her room. I'd scare her. I felt a burst of hope in her subconscious that was crushed by fear.

"No… your not him…" she mumbled and then cried out, "Please stop… I don't… let go…"

She began thrashing around now.

"Help!" She cried in her sleep the terror mounting.

Where was Charlie? Couldn't he hear her suffering?

Then Bella screamed wordlessly and her thrashing became more violent. She bolted upright, awake and still screaming, consumed with terror. She grabbed a pillow and held out over her face to muffle the sound. I heard Charlie's mattress squeak as he got out of bed. I heard him sigh. Then as Bella went from screaming to sobbing I heard his mattress squeak again as he lay back down.

I leaned out a little more to watch Bella put her pillow back in its spot and curled back up into the fetal position. That was a mistake; the weight of her emotions became overwhelming. Fear. Loneliness. Despair. Agony. Shame. They hit me like a sack of bricks and under the weight of her emotions and my surprise I fell from the tree. I landed on the ground and stayed there in shock.

Is that what our leaving did? Is that what I caused? What was more disturbing was the fact that Charlie didn't come. He knew but didn't come. She must do this a lot. What have I done?

I curled up at the base of the tree and listened to her sobbing. It was unbearable to listen to, harder to watch, and worse yet to feel. As much as the her emotions hurt I didn't try to block them out, instead I forced my being to absorb them. I deserved this pain, she certainly didn't. I deserved to know what I'd done. How much pain I'd caused. Listening to her cry… I longed to shed tears of my own.

She cried herself back to sleep just before sunrise and then I slunk back to my house.

I always knew I'd go to hell for all the atrocities I'd committed. This confirmed it.


	4. Physical Contact

**Jasper's POV**

When I got home I was tempted to take my frustrations out on Edward's piano. It was just sitting there, covered by a white sheet, an innocent bystander in all of this. But I needed so badly to destroy _something_ and it was _there._ It would be fitting.

Although I was the catalyst for Bella's pain, I knew I wasn't the only one to blame. Edward had to shoulder some too. I offered to leave Forks after the attack to give both Edward and Bella peace of mind. He said no, he'd handle it. From the looks of things he didn't handle it well. I knew the depths of his emotions and hers for each other better than they did. He thought she'd move on, I hoped he'd be right. He was wrong. Alice told him he'd be wrong. Who bets against a psychic? The idiot. It's his fault as much as its mine.

I was honestly considering it when a vibration in my pocket caught my attention. I pulled out my phone and flicked it open.

"Leave the piano out of it!" Alice said, her laughter like wind chimes.

I felt the tension begin to ebb at the sound of her voice.

"Alice," I breathed.

"How is she?"

I flinched.

"Jasper?"

"I've never seen anything like it Alice, never _felt_ anything like it. She's as bad as Edward, maybe worse. She doesn't even look like Bella." I proceeded to explain to Alice everything that transpired yesterday and last night and she listened without interruption.

When I was finished she asked, "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know," I told her honestly. "I want to talk to her, but I don't even know if she'd want to see me after everything."

"Well you didn't go all that way just to spy did you?" Alice asked rhetorically.

"Should I talk to her alone or with supervision?"

She quiet a moment and then said, "Alone."

"Okay," then added as an after thought, "Can you see what Edward's up to?"

"No, he's not making decisions at the moment."

I considered that with a grim sense of satisfaction.

"Jasper?"

"Yeah, I'm here."

"I have to go, Rosalie wants to take a hunting trip before she and Emmett go to the airport."

"Alright," I sighed. "I love you Alice."

"I love you too Jasper. Goodbye." She hung up.

I froze. There was something strange going on with Alice. I should call her back and demand to know what's wrong. I should fly back and hold her close and soothe away her worries. But I won't. I can't. I have a job to do and I have to do it. If I was in any kind of danger, or she was, she'd have come right out and said it. Whatever was on her mind could wait. If it couldn't, she'd have told me, right?

* * *

I was too much a coward to face Bella today so I ended up in a tree in view of her bedroom window again. I watched her curl up in a ball and drift off to sleep. Her sleeping patterns were much the same as the night before. She may be able to mute her emotions in the day but they continued to wreak havoc on her unconscious. It was too much. I couldn't stand it. I launched myself from my perch and grabbed the window ledge. Praying that it wouldn't squeak and wake her, I pushed on the glass and the window opened.

Her emotions were worse inside the room, and once again the force of them took me off guard. I stumbled and grabbed the bookshelf for support. This was ridiculous. All the years I spent at war and not one creature felt so much pain that I was actually made clumsy by it. Had I gone soft or was she really suffering that much? I quickly realized I didn't want the answer to either question.

I immediately set to work creating an atmosphere of peace and calm, determined that she would have a night of good sleep. But I was surprised. Her emotions fought against me, they didn't want to be chased away. I hesitated, gauging the depths of her sleep. Physical contact did make my gift stronger. I could touch her lightly enough that she'd never know. Slowly I walked toward her hand outstretched.

**Bella's POV**

My eyes snapped open. That was strange. I hadn't even gotten to the worst part of the dream and I was waking up? I would have felt relief at not being forced to feel experience the nightmare for the umpteenth time except I heard the window pain rattle. Wind. It had to be wind. Then a soft thud up against the bookcase. I opened an eye and glance toward the door. It was shut.

There was someone in my room. It wasn't Charlie. I felt fear raise its ugly head as if I were still trapped in my nightmares. Only unlike my nightmares I couldn't find my voice to scream. I closed my eye and shifted so my arm dangled over the side of my bed. My fingers searched for and found the smooth wooden handle of the concealed weapon I never thought I would have to use that certainly wasn't Charlie approved. My fingers clutched at tightly.

I waited. _Please let me be imagining this,_ I pleaded silently, _please not again…_

There was a light pressure on my shoulder and I found my voice. I screamed. I rolled over. I swung. There was a clunk and a crack as the Louisville Slugger connected with the intruders skull. Still screaming I pulled the bat back and swung again but this time a pale hand latched on to it. Out of surprise at the hand restraining the bat I stopped screaming.

I froze as I caught sight of the honey blonde locks, now in a wild disarray, around a excruciating beautiful, albeit shocked, pale face. His tawny eyes locked on mine and then he glanced toward the door. With a yank he tore the baseball bat from my grasp and darted backwards into the closet.

There was a knock on the door.

"Bella, honey, are you okay?" Charlie voice thick with sleep and worry came from right outside.

I didn't answer. I couldn't take my eyes off the closet. The door opened. I forced my head to turn away, towards him.

"Bella?"

"I'm okay." I muttered.

"What was that bang?"

My mind came up with the lie quicker than it normally did. "I bumped my clock radio to the floor."

His eyes flicked to my clock which was sitting on my bedside table where it belonged.

"I already picked it up," I told him.

He nodded his head. I stared at him. He looked like he wanted to say something but I shook my head and smiled. He sighed and left.

I looked back at the closet.

"Jasper?" I whispered. I had to be imagining this.

Then he stepped out.

I stared at him silently refusing to let myself hope. Best case scenario: I was dreaming… a nice vacation from the nightmares. Worst case scenario: I was hallucinating and somewhere there was a padded cell with my name on it.

He still held the bat which I now realized had a split in the middle. Apparently hallucinations are hard enough to break quality sporting goods. Good to know. He was quiet just watching me as I watched him. I certainly wasn't going to speak first.

"Bella…"

I closed my eyes as the first wave of pain hit me. I forgot how beautiful _their_ voices were, although I guess I hadn't been trying to remember them.

"You're not real," I found myself whispering.

"Yes. I am." He reached up ran a hand through his hair.

A second wave of pain hit me and hot tears burned my eye but I forbade them to fall. How dare he contradict me. Haven't I suffered enough? My own hallucination had to _argue_ with me?

He took a step toward me then stopped. He looked down at the bat and smirked.

"I don't know whether to be shocked by the fact that you, of all people, own a baseball bat, or proud that you have a plan of defense incase of attack and are willing to act on it."

I felt myself flinch at the word "attack" and couldn't find it in myself to laugh at what I knew was supposed to be a joke, or even remember why it should have been funny in the first place. His face fell at the sight of my grimace and it became too much. A third wave of pain hit me and the tears boiled over.


	5. Out

**Jasper's POV**

Fuck, I sure as hell didn't see that one coming. I thought she was sleeping. I was wrong. Really wrong. Then I was forced to hide in her closet like some teenage boy next door while she lied to her father. I almost thought she was going to give me away but she managed to drag her eyes from my hiding place before she screwed that up. And she lied really well. No blushing, no guilt, no nervousness. It was like she believed the lie. When did she learn how to lie?

"Jasper?" She whispered in disbelief.

I stepped out of the closet and examined her face, once again noting all the drastic changes in her appearance. I locked down my facial expression refusing to let the horror I felt show on my face. She didn't need that. At the same time she shutdown her emotions, retreating into the numbness.

"Bella…" I trailed off.

What could I say? I'm sorry I ruined your life? Can you forgive me for trying to kill you? I didn't think through our first conversation, but then again, I wasn't planning for our first conversation to be tonight.

I flinched as her numb was shattered by a sharp burst of longing so powerful it felt like a magnetic pull in my chest, except I couldn't see what I was being pulled toward.

She closed her eyes and shook her head back and forth infinitesimally.

"You're not real," she whispered.

Did she think she was asleep or merely hoping she was having a nightmare? She didn't feel hopeful.

"Yes, I am," I assured her, nervously running a hand through my hair.

The agonizing longing was erased when her anger flared so hot I thought it must be burning me. I couldn't take this much longer. How was it possible that a human could _feel_ so much. Every emotion she had was just as powerful as the one before it, consuming every part of her being until it was almost a physical manifestation.

I took a step in her direction, if she'd let me I could still ease her suffering, but stopped myself. That was a bad idea. Why would she let me? I was a vampire who had tried to kill her on her birthday and then snuck into her bedroom while she tried to sleep.

Unsure of what to do next I went to reach out my hand to her and then I saw it. The baseball bat still clutched in my hand. She hit me with a fucking bat? Not that I wasn't impressed that she swung hard enough to break it over my skull, but still… Where did she even know where to get one?

I decided to voice the thought out loud in hopes of breaking the tension. "I don't know whether to be shocked by the fact that you, of all people, own a baseball bat, or proud that you have a plan to defend yourself well incase of attack."

She flinched as I finished my thought and the expression on her gaunt face made me hate myself more. Then grief washed over her being and her face flooded with tears. Her body shook with silent sobs and she stared down at her hands where the clutched her quilt.

"Bella, I'm-"

"G-g-get out-t!" She spoke through her sobs, "Out!"

So I got out.

I could have tried to calm her down. I could have tried to explain. Why didn't I? The answer is very simple. I panicked.

I, Major Jasper David Whitlock, youngest major in the Confederate army turned commander and executioner of a vampire army, panicked… Panicked because a human girl got hysterical. I think it needs to be asked. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I was halfway home when the phone rang with Alice's ring tone.

"Hey, Alice," I greeted.

"Did you really see that ending well?" I could hear her disapproval over the phone.

"Yes…I mean, no… Damn it, Alice, I thought she was asleep!"

Alice hesitated and I heard her mutter something indistinguishably to herself.

"Well," she said at last, "the cats out of the bag now."

"I suppose it is…" I agreed slowing to a walk.

"Jasper?" Alice called my attention.

"Yeah?"

"We wont be talking for a while." She told me, her voice suddenly sounding detached.

"Why?" I asked freezing mid stride.

"I'm not sure. It's a little foggy. Like there is a decision that hasn't been made yet, but will be."

"I don't understand, Alice, what aren't you telling me?"

There was silence on the other end of the line.

I was panicking again.

"_Alice?_"

"Jasper, do you trust me?"

"Of course, Alice, but--"

"Then trust me Jasper. Its just easier this way."

"Easier? What's easier?"

"I have to go."

"Alice, wait!"

But it was too late, she had already hung up. She. Hung up. On me. There was no "I love you", no "I'll talk to you soon", and no explanation. Alice was keeping secrets. There was a loop and, for the first time in fifty years, I wasn't in it.

Did I trust Alice? It didn't matter. She didn't seem to be giving me a choice either way.


	6. The What Ifs of What Now

**Bella's POV**

Normally the morning brings relief for me. Relief from painful dreams. But _this_ morning held no relief for me, only anger.

Last night was just a little more messed up than I could tolerate. I begged myself while I was making breakfast that last night had been a dream and that Jasper Hale had not been in my room last night. I prayed while I poked through my bureau that I was highly delusional and should be committed because there was no way in hell that Jasper could have been hiding in my closet last night.

No matter how hard I begged and prayed, I couldn't force the truth from my mind.

I was not dreaming.

I was not delusional… well not _that_ delusional.

I woke up with Jasper in my room.

I lied to Charlie knowing full well, who and what hid in my closet.

These truths made me angry. They. Left. Me. What the hell was he doing here? Why now? Had Alice seen something?

The thought of her made me angrier. My best friend didn't even say goodbye. She's a psychic and she couldn't pick up a line to tell me not to go on a hiking trip… I wanted to vomit at that thought. Had I meant so little to her that she could see something like that and not tell me? No. I didn't believe that. She cared about me enough that she would tell me. She must not have seen. Right?

This made me angry too. The fact that I didn't know. The uncertainty. I didn't know which way was up and which way was down. It was like getting lost in the angry waves of a stormy ocean. You can fight the current all you want, but kicking and paddling does no good if you don't know where the surface is. I was suffocating under an angry current.

That made me angry too.

So I'd embrace it.

This anger was the first emotion I'd felt in what felt like forever that wasn't unbearable. It was hot and burning and mine and didn't make me want to feel nothing. I knew this anger was wrong. I could, should let the numbness take over and protect me from myself again but I wouldn't. I could use this anger. Substitute it for bravery.

I could take the angry-false-bravery and face this vampire who had decided to intrude on my misery without permission.

I was supposed to be going to school today, but I was skipping. I was going to the place where I knew Jasper would be waiting. The place where my life went up in flames with a moment of clumsiness. I just had to stay angry.

The plan to stay angry worked up until my truck turned onto the three mile dirt road that lead to the Cullens house. As the anger ebbed, I slowed my truck to a crawl as I drove up the driveway. For the first time I felt uncertain about my plan.

What if he didn't want to see me? As angry as I had been this morning there was a small part of me that had rejoiced in his presence. Could I handle the rejection? But why would he tell me that he didn't want to see me? Not that I couldn't find the reasons for him, but he was in my room last night not the other way around.

What if he was angry with me? Vampires are scary when they are angry and these days I don't do well with scary.

What if he wasn't there? Should I just wait around? Or should I stop what I'm doing and go back to school? I can't turn back now, he must hear me by now.

One more bend in the road and there it was… the big white house that used to feel like home. Now it felt like a joke.

**Jaspers POV**

"_On the day I was born, the nurses all gathered 'round… And they gazed in wide wonder, at the joy they had found. The head nurse spoke up, and she said leave this one alone…She could tell right away, that I was bad to the bone… Bad to the bone, Bad to the bone… B-B-B-B-Bad to the bone. B-B-B-B-Bad… B-B-B-B-Bad…Bad to the bone…"_

My eyes snapped open in surprise. I glanced at the coffee table where my cell had lilt up and began playing an unfamiliar ring tone. I the phone open and saw Emmett's number flash across the screen.

I decided to skip pleasantries. "You gave yourself your own ring tone on _my_ phone?"

He chuckled. "Yeah, I thought it had something to it!"

I couldn't resist rolling my eyes even though he couldn't see it. I really wasn't in the mood.

"What's up Emmett?" I asked.

"What's up?! Are you kidding me?! Are you really…" Emmett hesitated and then asked, "Where are you?"

Oh. Now I get it. "I take it you spoke to Alice?"

There was silence and then an explosion of questions.

"So your really back in Forks? What are you doing? Edward's going to have a meltdown if he finds out, your not going to tell him are you? Have you seen Bella? How is she? Is she okay? Does she--"

"Em!" I interrupted him.

He was quiet again and I let out a sigh.

"Yes, I'm really back in Forks. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I have to make things right. Edward doesn't know anything and I'd like to keep it that way for now. Yes, I've seen Bella."

"_And?_"

I hesitated. I wasn't sure how much I should tell him.

Over the short time that we had known Bella, Emmett had come to think of her as a little sister. It never sat right with him, leaving Bella behind, and he had only done so out of loyalty to Edward and love for Rosalie and Carlisle's reassurances. There was no doubt in my mind if he knew how bad things were he'd wallow in more guilt than he already was. But I wasn't so sure I could lie to him either. He'd know if I did. If there was nothing wrong I'd be on my way back right now. Instead of lying on the couch wallowing in guilt of my own.

"Jasper, how is she?" He brought my attention back.

"I haven't spoken to her yet…"

"But?"

"But… She's not good Emmett… I've never felt anything like it. She's worse than Edward. Most of the time she feels nothing at all, like she's a zombie, but very now and then an emotion will break through the stupor and its so powerful… She has nightmares, doesn't sleep more than a few hours at night. When shes dreaming its like the floodgates to her heart open and, I kid you not, the emotions I felt from her that first night knocked me clear on my ass."

Emmett was silent for a moment and then responded quietly, "Should I come up there?"

"No," I quickly replied. "Not yet at least. Let me--" I cut myself short as I heard it. The familiar rumble of the antique Chevy crawling up our drive.

"Let you…" Emmett prompted.

"I have to go Emmett. Bella? She's here."

"What--" He began to respond but I hung up on him.

What now?

* * *

**A/N:**

**_Sorry for such a long wait, but next chapter should come quicker and i have it on good authority to tell you it will be dramatic. There's a Bella/Jasper confrontation, and i know you've all been wondering "who raped bella and where is he now?" so you'll get a little more info on that too._**


	7. All The Delicate Flowers

**Okay, so this chapter didnt go the way I originally planned, but I'm still happy with the way it turned out. My apologies to anyone who had thier hearts pining for a big reveal. I also have been asked some questions that I have decided to answer in an Authors note at the bottom of the chapter.**

* * *

**Jaspers POV**

I stood on the porch.

She sat in her truck.

I stared at her.

She stared at me.

I crossed my arms.

She crossed her arms.

There weren't any pistols involved but this was undoubtedly a Mexican standoff.

I waited.

She waited.

What were we waiting for? I hope she knew the answer because I had no fucking clue and I was starting to get uneasy.

After about ten minutes of staring she got out of the rusted pick-up. For a brief instant I thought we hit a turning point but I was wrong. She stared at me from beside her truck rather than from within it. She lockdown on her emotions again. I didn't know which was worse. Feeling her or not feeling her.

I stepped down off the porch slowly and took a few steps in her direction, stopping when she flinched away from me. Then she took a deep breath and walked slowly toward me. She stopped leaving a good six foot gap between us, not that I minded the distance, but it wasn't like Bella to remember to give vampires there space.

I looked into her eyes and saw a glimmer of something beneath the hollowed out chocolate colored eyes. Then the glimmer was gone leaving me with a slight sense of dread and the feeling that this wasn't the same girl we had left in September.

Yeah, I'm definitely gonna burn.

"Where is… What are you doing here?" She changed her question, but I could guess at what she wanted to know.

"I'm alone," I told her. "I came back because I wanted to make things right."

"Make things right," she repeated tonelessly.

"Yes, I--"

"You can't make this right." She interrupted bluntly. "No one can make anything right anymore. Nothing will be right ever again."

I was surprised by the certainty on her face as she spoke over me. My mouth hung open a little as I failed to find an adequate response to that.

As I stared at Bella -- crumpled in on herself, eyes hollow, and heart unfeeling -- she reminded me of a flower… She was wilting.

"Bella, sweetheart," I all but moaned. "I want to fix what I've done. I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry. Words cannot encapsulate just how sorry I am. Let me help you. I want to help you."

Her anger burst to the surface and she glared daggers at me.

"_Help me? _Help me! Where were you Jasper? Where were any of you?" She shouted. "Where were you four months ago when _he_ left me broken in the woods, all alone on the forest floor? Did you know they had to put out a search party to find me? Of course you didn't know, you didn't even stick around to find out! You left, you all left, and not one of you had the decency to say goodbye!" She took a deep breath and before she continued to yell, "Where were you when I was all but comatose in my bedroom waiting for him to come in through my window and tell me it was all a bad dream? Where were you two months ago when--" her voice caught off abruptly as a sob erupted from her throat.

She shook with her sobs, her became drenched with tears, and for once the blood rushing to her face held no sway over my actions. I was too consumed with self-hate to notice my bloodlust. Causing pain appears to be the only thing I'll ever be good for. Every sharp intake of air she breathed was a reminder.

It used to be, that I was caught up and consumed by my love for Alice. I never had the same self-loathing as Edward, until that dreadful birthday party. I had come to terms with being a vampire and did the best with what I could. But now watching her too frail body shake, knowing I had brought this torment to her by being weak… Yes, I loathed myself. I couldn't even reach out and hold her, comfort her, because I threw away the right to offer such intimacy when I tried to kill her.

"I shouldn't have come…" She gasped out and took a step backwards toward her truck. Then another.

_What do you think you're doing?!_ A voice yelled at me.

Letting her go. She should go. She should get far away from me and the pain I leave in my very bloody wake.

_You can't let her leave!_

Yes I can.

_Talk to her! Apologize! You owe her that much!_

Yes, I do.

Her departure was starting to pick up speed.

I moved forward and begged, "Bella, please wait!"

I reached out instinctively and grabbed her arm to stop her retreat.

"Let go of me!" She screeched with a sudden blast of overwhelming fear.

I let go of her immediately and dropped to my knees in despair. I did this. I made her afraid of me. I ruined her life. I ruined my brothers life. No wonder Alice was saying goodbye to me. I wouldn't want me either.

**Bella POV**

He. Grabbed. Me.

He grabbed me.

I know it was an overreaction but my mind and my body aren't really on the same page anymore. I knew that Jasper would never hurt me, at least not like that, but the second his hand was wrapping around my arm the adrenaline surged through me.

Even now, knowing I overreacted, it still took a few minutes for the guilt to set in and the adrenaline to fade away. For those few minutes there was nothing but silence from him, where he kneeled on the ground. All I could hear was my own breathing as I tried to steady myself.

"Jasper?" I whispered, knowing he could hear me. "Jasper, I'm sorry."

His eyes snapped up to meet mine and, surprisingly, I held his gaze.

"What do you have to be sorry for?" He asked; his tone was harsh and I flinched away from him. His eyes didn't miss that and they dropped back to the ground in what was clearly shame.

He came here looking to make things right, to apologize. I knew he was sorry and he didn't have to be. It was just a stupid accident. I forgave him as soon as it happened. As for making things right, I knew nothing would be right again, but he didn't have to suffer with me. One of us might as well be happy.

"Jasper, look at me." I commanded with more authority than I actually felt.

He looked up.

"I'm not angry about what you did on my birthday. It was an accident, they happen, especially around me. I sort of accepted the fact that I might end up on the menu when I started hanging around with a family of vampires."

"Bella, if it weren't for my actions, you wouldn't be like…_this_. Edward would still be here, the others would still be here, you would still be happy…"

I ground my teeth together angrily and spoke through them. "If it weren't for Edward, Edward would still be here. I take it leaving wasn't your choice, it was his. He left me after he promised he wouldn't. I wasn't good enough for him…"

Jasper hissed and leapt to his feet. "He told you that you weren't good enough?"

"He was right," I said quietly staring down at my feet.

How could I explain it to Jasper? That I was too plain, too ordinary to hold on to the one who meant the most to me? That I couldn't fight back when it mattered the most? That I was broken beyond repair, body, mind, and soul? I couldn't.

"That's bull," he growled. "You are the best thing that ever--"

"Please!" I interrupted. "Please, I don't want to talk about this. I _can't_."

"This is my fault." He said reaching up to run a hand through his hair.

I was beginning to recognize that movement as a symbol of his agitation. Where Edward would pinch his nose, Jasper combed his hair with his fingers. I was surprised and slightly delighted that I recognized this little detail. These days I barely noticed the most obvious of details, never mind smaller ones. An as quickly as the delight came, it went, chased away by the burn of happy memories of the fairytale creature I loved and could never hope to deserve.

I shoved off the pain and tried to reassure him, "It's not your fault Jasper. I don't blame you. No one blames you--" but it was clearly the wrong thing to say.

"That's just it, Bella!" He snapped, his voice rising an octave. "No one blames me! No one blames me because its expected of me! I'm expected to screw up! And when I meet expectations everyone is there with excuses for me and pity and no one is angry or disappointed because I didn't disappoint!"

I patiently kept silent and let him rant, sensing that this speech had been brewing under the surface for awhile now and that he needed to get it out.

"I'm the weak link and you nearly died because of it… I could have killed you…"

"You didn't." I pointed out the obvious.

"I made you afraid of me," he whispered.

"No, you…" I was going to tell him he didn't make me afraid of him, but the memory of him grabbing my arm flashed through my mind. I was afraid of him, even if it was just for an instant, but not for the reason's he thought. "Jasper," I said, "my…fear has nothing to do with you or what you did on my birthday."

He snorted in disbelief.

This isn't subject I wanted to talk about. Ever. But I needed to make him see, I didn't want him to hold onto this pointless guilt.

"Jasper," I whispered, "how long have you been back?"

He looked confused by the subject change. "This would be day three. Why?"

"I take it you haven't been into town?" I asked now avoiding his eyes.

"No…" He couldn't see where this conversation was heading.

If he hadn't been into town his super vampire hearing hadn't picked up the local gossip that refused to die down in the absence of my presence. People were polite to my face, they weren't heartless enough to talk about me right in front of me. They did however _love_ to drag out that "I'm-so-sorry-for-you" face. I'm not usually a violent person but, God, how that face made me want to punch someone.

"Jasper," I spoke slowly now, "I'm not afraid because _you_ attacked me… I'm afraid because someone _else _attacked me."

I watched him with my peripheral vision as the emotions flitted across his face. First shock, followed by confusion, then anger… He settled on anger.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

_**So there have been questions repeatedly asked that I feel compelled to answer.**_

_**--- Did Jacob/werewolf rape Bella?**_

_*** Although I think Jacob has the tendency to be a jerk I have decide to not make him the rapist. My apologies to anyone who enjoys Jacob as a bad guy. He will eventually make an appearance in the story but for right now he doesn't fit anywhere.**_

_***As for another werewolf doing it, it seems unreasonable because the rest of the pack would know what he'd done due to the mind link.**_

_**--- When was she attacked? When does all this take place? **_

_*** For those who read over or forgot this part: **_

_**Bella was raped two months after Edwards leaving. **_

_**Jasper came back four months after Edward left Bella**_

_**(**__Jasper enters the story around the time Jacob entered in New Moon)__**.**_

_**--- Can I write longer chapters?**_

_*** The chapters are short because I am now writing outside my comfort zone. I usually write lighthearted stories or dramas with a little humor to take the edge off the creepy. I use fanfics as a way to practice different writing styles and genres, this is my first real attempt at a depressing/angsty/hurt/comfort type a story. **__(I'm sure at some point the story will get fluffy but for right now I wanna get my emo on.) __**As I get more comfortable with it I'm sure the chapters will lengthen. Be patient.**_

_**Also, on a more personal note, I know I don't reply to every review I get and that's because I suck at responding to reviews. I do appreciate them however, and would like to thank everyone who has reviewed my story so far and thank you for following this strange product of my overactive imagination. Thank you so much for responding!**_

_**PS. I am more than happy to answer any questions as long as the answers do not ruin/reveal the plotline of my story.**_


	8. This Just In

**Bella POV**

I watched as his eyes darkened and his jaw tightened and he looked like a vampire again. And again I was afraid of him. I took a few steps away, a little voice in my head reminding that if Jasper wanted to kill me, I wouldn't be able to move fast enough. And then I took another step back realizing that his hardened face reminded me of a very different kind of monster… My back hit the grill of my truck and I yelped at the unexpected contact. At the sound Jasper seemed to come back to earth. I felt a wave of calm wash over me and he stepped back too. But as the calm vibe faded, I realized with a shock, what Jasper's power meant. He could control me if he wanted. He could make me do things…

_Shut up!_ I screamed at myself. This was Jasper. He wouldn't…. but he _could._

"Bella, I'm not going to hurt you, I swear it…" He told me taking another step back and holding up both hands like a criminal to show he was unarmed.

Like he needed a weapon…

_Shut up!_ I repeated.

"I know Jasper, I know." And I did _know_, but my subconscious refused to believe. "Just give me a minute, okay?"

I took a deep breath and managed to calm myself down and when I looked back he was watching me cautiously. I gave him a fake smile, which he saw right through, but it got the point across. I was okay for the moment.

"Bella, what do you mean you were attacked?" He asked.

I could see the wheels turning in his head and I wanted to tell him. But as I opened my mouth to say the words that made me sick to my stomach I couldn't. But then I realized I didn't have to tell him. I could show him.

"Wait here okay?" I didn't wait for a response, instead I opened my truck door and reached around under the seat for yesterday morning's newspaper.

I walked back and extended my arm.

He leaned forward and took the paper. He looked at me curiously, but when I said nothing, he turned his attention to the headline.

**Jasper POV**

I looked down at the newspaper she handed me, dated yesterday, and began to read:

_**Manhunt For Escaped Serial Rapist Continues**_

_The search for Hurin Correctional Facility escapee, Harvey Young, age 34, continues._

_Young, convicted of three counts rape and one count of murder, was sentenced to life without parole back in April. In June, Young's lawyer, Eric Galaway, filed for an appeal. On October 18th__ Harvey Young managed to escape police custody while being transported to the courthouse. _

_On November 3__rd__, the body of 19 year old Marcy Evanston was discovered. No DNA was found on scene but the M.E reports signs of sexual trauma before the time of death. Police admitted that the MO matches that of Young's previous victims, and that Marcy's physicality is a match for his victim preference._

_On November 28__th__, a hiker found a woman in the woods, a survivor of an attack. The hiker was a minor and therefore the identity could not be released, but he had the fortitude of mind to call an ambulance and wait for help._

_An anonymous source identified the victim as Isabella Swan, age 18, and daughter of Forks Police Department's Chief of Police, Charles Swan. Miss Swan later identified a mug shot of Harvey Young as the man who raped her. (continued, A3.)_

I gasped. Then I reread that last paragraph again and again, trying to make those words make sense, because written in that order, they made absolutely no sense. When the meaning behind them didn't change I looked up at her, so she could tell me the reporter needs a new fact checker. Tears were sliding down her thin face.

"Bella," I breathed.

"Keep going," She whispered, "it gets better." She gestured at me to continue.

I turned the page.

_Chief Swan refused to give comment until later in the week where as he gave a tearful but angry quote, "This pervert won't get away with what he has done. He will be caught and he will be punished." When reporter Dan Hall pressed for information about Isabella Swan, the Chief promptly punched Hall. Hall stated later that he would not be seeking charges against Chief Swan. "My job requires me to be intrusive and forceful, but truth be told, if it were my kid, I'd have thrown a punch too," Hall admitted._

_Police Commissioner Jonathan Ellis appreciated Hall's understanding but announced that Chief Swan was being pulled from the case. "He's too close to this one," said Ellis, "While Chief Swan is a highly respected member of the community and an incredibly capable officer of the law, his violent reaction to Dan Hall's inquiries suggests that he may not be emotionally competent to handle the stress of a case that is taking place in his own home." Police Commissioner later admitted that the Chief was ordered to sit with the department's psychologist to be evaluated and was temporarily suspended from active duty._

_Detectives Amy Higgins and Derek Casely, from Seattle SVU, were asked to step in._

_Yesterday this reporter caught up to the detectives. "We are following every lead we get and are leaving no stone unturned," Det. Higgins stated. "People like Harvey Young don't stop until they are caught but rest assured he will be caught." When asked how she could assure the community that the fugitive would be found she replied, "He's smart, but rape is a compulsion for him. He _needs_ too. He'll make a mistake."_

_Some might say Young has already made a mistake in leaving the Chief's daughter alive._

_Det. Casely urges citizens to call in to the tip hotline if they spot the convict and not to approach Young, last spotted in Hoquiam, who is regarded as highly dangerous. He reminds the public that his victim of choice are usually younger woman between fifteen and twenty, dark haired, and petite. He urges anyone matching that description to not travel alone until the suspect is back in custody._

As I reached the end of the article I heard a thud of Bella's knees hitting the ground.

I looked over at her where she knelt, crying, rocking back and forth, her arms wrapped tight around her torso. I dropped the paper and knelt down, reaching my arms out to her but she flinched away.

"N-n-no…don't touch…" she stuttered shaking her head.

I shuffled backwards on my knees giving her some space.

"Bella, Bella, tell me what you need, tell me what I can do," I pleaded.

I was beyond furious. Not that I would wish this upon anyone else, why did it have to be _this_ girl? Bella, who only ever saw the best in the worst of people, who was selfless and trusting and innocent. I wanted to find this scumbag, I _needed_ to find him, and make him pay for hurting her, and anyone else. My dark past has left me with some even darker knowledge, and I could torture him for as long I deemed necessary without risking his death. I could make him scream, beg, pray for death long before I granted it…

But I kept the anger off of my face and out of my voice. I had scared her once with my anger and would not do so again. My thoughts of vengeance would have to wait because right now, the only thing that mattered was the girl weeping in the dirt in front of me.

"I need to leave," She whispered. "I need to go home." She started to take deep breaths and I watched as the tears slowly stopped. When her breathing returned to normal she stood up and without looking at me she got into the truck.

I followed her on foot, staying in the woods, afraid that in her distraught condition she would have an accident. Once she made it home safely I returned to my house and decided it was time to make a call.

"Emmett, don't," Alice's laugh tinkled in the background.

I growled in frustration as I realized I had her voicemail.

"Hel-lo, you've reached the psychic hotline--" Emmett was saying in a seductive voice.

Alice interrupted. "This is Alice's voicemail. Leave a message and I'll get back to you!"

The phone beeped and I growled into the phone. "Alice, I don't know where you are, but when you get this, you need to call me immediately! Immediately!"

* * *

**_I know I am cruel. I answered some questions and left you with more that need to be answered. It needed to be done._**


	9. About Her

**Bella POV**

When I got home I curled up on my bed in as tight a ball as I could manage.

Jasper hadn't read the article aloud. I hadn't read the article over his shoulder. I hadn't need to hear the words again. They were etched into my memory along with every other entry related to my attack. I knew exactly what he was reading as he was reading it.

And I was ashamed.

I shouldn't have ditched school that day and I did. I certainly shouldn't have been hiking in the woods considering my poor sense of direction, how accident prone I am, and given the reports of black bear sightings. On top of that, I definitely should not have been headed to that place, where I knew memories and misery would combine into an emotional tidal wave and swallow me whole.

I should have run when I saw him there. I knew he was dangerous the second he grinned at me. If my subconscious had catalogued the way to the meadow, then certainly it could have helped guide me back to the road. When he grabbed me I should have fought harder against him…

Charlie.

Charlie was being dragged through the mud because I hadn't been strong enough to fight back, smart enough to go to school, or sane enough to pretend that the family I loved never existed exactly the way they had wanted. The Police Commissioner had pulled my dad from the case saying that he wasn't emotionally strong enough for this assignment.

That was the stupidest thing I had ever heard.

After all that had happened I was sure that no one was emotionally stronger than Charlie. He held my hand and took my statement at the same time. When I saw the mug shot and it sent me into a panic attack he knew just what to say to calm me down. Charlie, who rarely verbalized his love of baseball for fear of revealing too much emotion, knew exactly what needed to be said to keep me calm. When a male nurse entered the hospital room and the beeping on my heart monitor exploded into a frenzy, my dad knew to send the nurse away for a female. When the detectives came and interrogated me ruthlessly, making me relive that moment over and over again, Charlie knew it had to be done. He comforted me as I cried through the story but made no attempt to shield me.

Not that it was easy for him, I wasn't that naïve. Charlie was a cop, a good cop, but he was a father as well. He was struggling to be both. The cop that wanted justice. The father that wanted revenge. The cop wanted the truth in excruciating detail. The father just wanted all this to go away and for his daughter to be safe and happy and whole again. He was walking a fine line, we both knew it, but I had faith he could stay on it.

When the Commissioner pulled him from the case and stuck Charlie on desk duty, I knew he had been stung by the implications, as if he didn't have enough to deal with. His ability to do his job was being thrown into question. That was my fault.

I knew that article was just a filler, a recap. Fluff to fill the empty space. They hadn't found anything not really. All they knew was that he was still lurking around Washington, and nobody knew why. The detectives were struggling to limit media coverage, so as to avoid panicking both the public and the pervert.

But he was out there. Free. He was wandering free while I was trapped in my own personal hell. He could be hurting others the way he hurt me; he probably was. The thought that he was loose made my skin start to crawl again. What if he came back?

I know that is an irrational fear. The detectives assured me that rapists don't come back. I'm safe now. It's the rest of the female population that has to worry. But that fact remained that he was free and I was afraid.

I was afraid he would come back.

I was afraid to be touched.

I was afraid to go to sleep.

I was afraid to go to school.

I was afraid to make eye contact with anyone…

…Except Jasper… I made eye contact with Jasper and I held it for more than five seconds. I hadn't liked him touching me. I hadn't liked him getting angry. But I liked that he was here. There was something comforting in his familiarity, maybe it was the fact that he was the most dangerous creature in Forks right now and his presence in my life would ensure my safety…as long as I didn't bleed.

Now I was afraid Jasper would leave.

**Jasper POV**

Well, there was no way in hell I was leaving.

I promised Alice I'd only be gone long enough to fix what I'd done and then I'd be home, but I now saw it as a promise I had to break. I tried desperately to ignore the fact that her vision might have been true. She had told me that it would be much longer than a few days and _that_ might be true. But I still had no idea what she meant by me not wanting to come back to her. I'd always love Alice, I'd always go back to her. And, if for some reason I couldn't go back to her, I'd have her come to me. There was no reason for us to be apart any longer than necessary.

Right now I had to stay. I had to stay because Bella need my help. I had to help her.

I wasn't self-sacrificing enough to blame myself for her rape. I didn't break that animal out nor did I set him loose in the town of Forks. But if it weren't for my actions, Edward would have been here to protect her and now I needed to man up and fix things.

My perfect recall made reading the article more than once unnecessary, but I reread it anyway. It made sense now, her refusal to make eye contact, her nightmares, her fear of being approached by the Newton kid in the parking lot… And again I asked myself the question, why this girl? What is it about Bella Swan that makes danger seek her out? Edward should have turned her when she volunteered, at least if Bella became a victim to her bad luck when she was a vampire she would have had the advantage of being virtually indestructible.

I glanced at the paper in front of me. That line called out to me; _"Some might say Young already made a mistake in leaving the Chief's daughter alive."_

I knew what the reporter meant. Marcy Evanston was dead and therefore unable to accuse her attacker. Bella couldn't make the same claim. She was alive and able to identify her attacker, hell, she already did. Although I hadn't been as close to Bella as others in my family had been, I knew enough about her to know that she was both stubborn and brave… Two qualities that would make it more likely for her to testify in court should the pervert be caught.

The time I spent with Maria, being the epitome of a monster, I had seen things and done worse. I had never forced myself on a woman who said no, but then with my gift I hadn't needed to… I threw as much lust as I could at the woman I desired and I could have her anyway I wanted without objection from her… And I admit it… that's just as bad as what _he_ did. I took away their ability to consent. But the fact of the matter was that I know how monsters think… having spent a century behaving like one.

That sentence could put Bella in danger. The reporter who wrote this article might as well have put a giant x on Bella's

back. If Harvey Young saw this article he could be inspired to tie up loose ends.

I may not have been as close to Bella as the others, but it didn't negate the fact that she was family. Call it a long term effect of my nightmare of a past, but I protect my family.

This left me torn.

What was the top priority?

Bella clearly needed me, but she needed me to do what?

Harvey Young was out there, if he wasn't looking for Bella, he was looking for his next victim. For Bella's sake, for his next victim's sake, he needs to be stopped one way or another. The more I thought about the more my anger grew, it was urging me to start my own manhunt. What would he feel, when he saw me coming for him? Whatever I wanted him to feel. I could make him feel everything Bella feels; her fear, panic, pain, shame, loneliness, guilt, vulnerability… Some of those emotions can be deadly in high doses… I could give him a heart attack from the emotional trauma he caused Bella.

But.

Although I could find Harvey, I had no idea how long it would take to find him. I could track, but it would speed things along if I had his scent. I couldn't just waltz into the police station and help myself to his personal effects, not when I was supposed to be in LA. I didn't need his scent to find him, but I was a fighter first and foremost, not a tracker. The time it took me to find him, Bella would still be here, still suffering.

And clearly, she was suffering.

If I allowed the authorities to handle this I could help Bella. Clearly using my gift was out of the question. All that would do is suppress real emotion that would eventually come back to bite her in the ass later on. Not to mention, she was a smart girl. If she hadn't realized the extent of my abilities and the implications of them yet, eventually she would. She would realize that I could make her feel anything, and with the right emotions make her do anything. It was why Maria kept me. I could control the newborns. And the last thing I needed was Bella being afraid of me.

Then there was the fact that she was afraid of men. Understandably, but still… Would she even accept my help? She wasn't so afraid that she couldn't go to school or come confront me, but I saw her reaction to Mike when he surprised her. My guess was the Bella was suppressing a lot. Eventually, she'd crash. That would be bad.

So what was the top priority?

Catching her rapist before he could catch someone else.

Revenge.

Helping Bella before she self-destructs.

I growled with frustration because I realized the answer.

Helping Bella before she self-destructs. That had to be my priority. She was important, too important to lose. It had to be her. Let the humans deal with him, if they couldn't catch him, I always could. As tempting as the idea of hunting him down and making him pay was, I had to think about her.

* * *

**Author's Note**

I know I agreed to answer questions as long as they didn't ruin the plotline of my story and I meant it…

Where is Alice?

The answer will ruin the plotline of my story! Be patient I'll get to that eventually.

Enjoy your holidays!


	10. A Helping Hand

**Bella POV**

I curled into a ball underneath my blankets; resigned.

I closed my eyes and it wasn't long before I began drifting back to that place, back to where the pain would begin, but a sound that didn't belong, interrupted. My eyes snapped open.

"Dad, I'm fine," I mumbled.

The knock came again… That's when I realized that the sound _wasn't_ coming from my door.

My spine stiffened with fear as I realized that the sound was coming from my window, my body tensed to fight even though the effort might very well be wasted. Then I realized that there was only one monster in town that would bother knocking and I let out a hysterical chuckle.

I rolled over to confirm my suspicions and there was Jasper, clinging to the sill, his face outside the glass pane looking sheepish.

I stared at him blankly for a second while I debated whether or not to let him in. On the one hand, I didn't want to talk about what had happened. It was time to stop beating that particular dead horse. Not to mention, Jasper could hurt me. But on the other hand, _anyone _could hurt me. Jasper could protect me. And if I sent him away tonight would I ever see him again?

In the end, my choice was made based on that selfish, desperate desire to keep him here. I looked back to Jasper who was waiting patiently for me to make up my mind.

So I nodded.

He pressed a pale hand against the glass and the window slid open under his touch.

I sat up and watched Jasper silently enter my room and couldn't help but notice there was a change in his movement. Every movement was slow and deliberate and it took me a moment to realize why. He was trying not to scare me, trying to keep me from feeling threatened by him. I thought that was a little ironic, although I would never say that out loud, because everyone had always impressed upon me the importance of giving Jasper a little space for my own well being because he _was_ a threat to me.

I watched as he leaned against the far wall and slid to the ground. He sat there with his knees pulled up almost to his chin and stared at me thoughtfully. Part of me was surprised that he didn't just sit in the rocking chair, another part was slightly relieved… it would have been too strong a reminder of the memories I tried to avoid.

"Bella," He said softly; a greeting.

"Hey," I said back.

I stared into his eyes, partly because I _could_ stare into them, and noticed the light gold of his irises… He'd been hunting recently.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Jasper asked.

I knew at once what he meant by _it_ and I couldn't stop the grimace from flitting across my face.

"No."

He nodded and I was thankful that he let it go at that. Everyone else who had asked that question usually followed my "_no_" with a "_Bella, you need to talk to somebody_…" and I was surprised that Jasper didn't push. Surprised but thankful.

Of course, now that I think about it, what do I really know about Jasper anyways?

Nothing, not really.

Jasper had always kept his distance from me, not without good reason, so apart from our time in Phoenix, I hadn't had anything more than visual contact with him… Usually, when I attended the Cullen house, my attentions were monopolized by Alice and Edward. On the rare occasion he made an appearance, I'd smile my hello and he would nod his hello and then he'd disappear again.

All I knew of Jasper was that he wasn't made by Carlisle. He came from a different family than the Cullens and I could venture a guess that he hunted humans once upon a time. I knew he was quiet, at least he had always been so in my presence, but that might just be because he was trying not to eat me. I know he was kind to me during that fiasco with James; we stood in the foyer of his house and he told me I was worth protecting, he sat next to me on the ugly hotel couch and projected calm at me every time I panicked even though my proximity was hurting him.

But he was Edward's brother. He had sort of been required to be nice to me. And that stuff with James… It was Jasper's job to protect me. Did that include telling me what I needed to hear to get me through the incident, regardless of whether or not it was true?

If he was only here because he still felt guilty, there was a chance he was asking me to talk out of courtesy. I didn't want to talk about it. Maybe he didn't want to hear about it.

"I'd listen." He told me as if I had spoken my thoughts out loud. "If you need to talk Bella, I'll listen to whatever you've got to say."

"Jasper, I talked to the cops and I talked to a shrink and I even talked to a rape crisis councilor. Talking isn't helping me. I don't want to talk about it anymore." _I want to forget._

"Okay." He said, nodding, but I could see the concern in his eyes.

I wouldn't lie to him and tell him I was fine. I wasn't fine and he knew it. But I could be worse and I knew that, without a doubt.

I wondered how long he'd stay. I was sure he was still here because, despite what I told him, he still felt responsible. I was selfish enough to want him to stay, but not so selfish that I wanted him to stay due to some assumed responsibility. He wasn't responsible. He had a right to leave. He had a right to be happy.

"Why are you still here?" I asked, a little afraid of the answer and where it would lead.

But he didn't give me a straight answer instead he presented me with a new question. "Did you want me to leave?"

"No." I told him honestly.

"That's why I am still here."

His answer baffled me a little. Why should he care so much?

"Why do you care?" I flinched when I realized how harsh the question sounded, but it didn't seem to phase him.

"Why wouldn't I care?"

That was going to get annoying fast.

"Do you always answer a question with a question?"

"So how are you liking the weather?"

I hurled a pillow at him and his hands snatched out of the air before it could hit his face. When he lowered it to his lap his lips twitched upwards a bit.

Holy crow. Jasper was making a joke. I had to ask the question again, what did I really know about Jasper Hale?

Then a thought hit me without warning; there was one fact that I was absolutely sure of and that was that Jasper Hale had a wife.

"Jasper…"

He tilted his head to the side.

"Does Alice… I mean, does she know…"

**Jasper POV**

Alice.

Of course Bella would have to bring up the one topic I didn't want to discuss. And that question, _Does she know_, was like a loaded gun. Does Alice know what? Or, more to the point, what does Alice know?

I chose my words carefully. "Alice knows I came to Forks to see you, if that's what you're asking."

Bella's eyes became distant for a few seconds then her face darkened. "And did she know about this? What would happen to me?"

"I don't know." I watched as her eyes iced over and heard her grind her teeth together. "She never said anything about any of this. When we left, Edward gave her strict orders not to look for you."

As I spoke Edward's name, the numbness clamped down over her emotions like a vice. I flinched.

I wondered if she was doing that, numbing herself to the pain, on purpose or subconsciously. It would make sense if it was subconscious. Humans were fragile creatures and Bella had been forced to endure more than most. She was forced into a world she didn't belong in, hunted by vampires, bitten and scarred by vampires, abandoned by those she loved only to be brutalized weeks after… There had to be a limit to what she could handle. Her mind and body might be working out of instinct, shielding Bella from as much of the pain as possible, keeping her sane.

For a moment, I toyed with the idea of it being a conscious decision. Edward never could read her mind and she was well aware of my power. We never bothered to question her on how she kept him out… But then I disregarded the idea. She didn't know he had an ability when she met him and she had kept him out from day one. She didn't know how her mental block worked anymore than the rest of us.

I briefly wondered what she would be like as a vampire. This thing that kept her mind a sanctuary… What would happen if it were enhanced? Then I realized it didn't matter. There was a time when I would have had Bella turned into one of us, no questions asked. It would have kept us safe, it would have kept her safe. But now that I know her and after all that's happened to her… It wouldn't be fair to force her to spend eternity with these memories. I thought of Rosalie…

God damn it.

Rosalie.

Duh.

I frowned angrily at my own stupidity. I should have called Rose right away.

"I'm sorry!" Bella blurted out.

I looked up at her and realized she was still watching me.

"I'm sorry, please don't leave…" she pleaded quieter.

I almost asked her what she was talking about but I realized she had misinterpreted the expression on my face.

_Nice job, Dumb-ass._

"Bella," I said in what I hoped was a soothing voice, "I am not going to leave as long as you need me here. You have nothing to apologize for. Sweetheart, you've done nothing wrong."

She was quiet and her expression guarded as she looked at me.

"Jasper?" She whispered.

"Mmm?"

"Can I have my pillow back?"

I smiled and lopped it over to her.

After the pillow was in its rightful place Bella mumbled, "I'm tired."

I glanced at the clock on her bedside table.

"Do you always go to bed this early?"

"I have since… I get nightmares. Going to bed earlier… I get more rest."

_Not enough_, I wanted to say, but I held my tongue. The girl looked like she hadn't slept in years.

"I could help with that."

She bit her bottom lip with her indecision.

"Your emotions, they are so strong right now. If I were to be any use, I'd need to be touching you in someway."

Her teeth tightened on her lip.

"Bella, please! If you make yourself bleed…" I tore my gaze from her lips to the floorboards. "No one is here to stop me this time."

Then her voice had me looking back at her.

"Touch me how?"

I was shocked that she was considering the idea and pleased that I might be allowed to help. I thought about it for a second, but the plan had already been in place when I made the offer.

"I could sit next to the bed. I could hold your hand."

She seemed to be debating the issue in her head, so I waited her out. After a few seconds she nodded.

I moved toward her slowly -- she never moved her eyes from mine -- and sat down on the floor next to her bed. She snuggled deeper into her quilt and I held out a hand. She eyed it warily.

"Trust me." I told her, realizing as I did so that she probably shouldn't even if she did.

But then she reached over and her skin connected with mine.

It was strange to be sitting here holding her hand. Not strange in a bad way, it was just different. The warmth of her soft skin seemed to sink into the bones of my hand. The bones of _her_ hands were so fragile, I felt them as she flexed her fingers around mine, it was like she was made of nothing more than glass. The part of me I didn't like to think about, couldn't help but acknowledge how easy it would be…

I directed my thoughts elsewhere. I would make myself be worthy of her trust.

"Won't your arm get tired?" Bella whispered.

I smiled, glad for the distraction. "Vampire, remember?"

"Right," she said.

For the first time since my return, I could have sworn I detected the hint of a blush on her cheeks.

She stared at me for the longest time and I worried that she was too afraid of me to close her eyes. I was about to ask if she would prefer it if I left when her lids finally sagged, hiding the tired brown of her eyes. Another few minutes and her breathing evened out. It didn't last. I noticed immediately when her heart rate picked up, when the flood gates to her emotions opened wide. I closed my eyes and concentrated on letting a mixture of fatigue and peace flow into her. Even with the physical contact I could feel her real emotions fighting against me. This was going to be a long night.

* * *

Author's Note:

Firstly I'd like to say sorry for the long wait. I really have to be in the mood to work on this story otherwise it comes out sounding like complete BS

Secondly, I'd like to say I realize Bella is exihibiting an extraordinary amount of trust in Jasper for a rape victim. You can question it all you like, but if you've never read a story of mine before I will tell you right now I have a reason for everything (hint hint) and I don't like to leave loose ends.

Thirdly, If you would like to keep track of my progress on this and my other fics, I have created a blog where I will be posting:

- teasers, updates, upcoming projects

- fanfic recommendations/reviews

- fanfic related news that i think might be of interests

So **Follow** me at http://equivampsnotebook(dot)blogspot(dot)com

There is also a link on my page if you are to lazy to type that into the address bar.


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